I don’t know why I am keeping writing on this little nobody-read blog, pouring out all my little bit life lesson, just in case it might help someone out there spiritually, hopeful though. (I am never such a big mouth, always me, me and me, it is very boring.) Spiritual stuff, you can only hope for a result, but you never should expect it, ’cause it is not up to me to decide and high expectation always leads to higher disappointment, and I would emphasize “always”.
I had a very strange dream, unusual because normally when I have a bad dream, it is me being attacked, being ambushed and which made me jump up to defend myself afterwards. But this time, it is like I switched the role and being somebody else… so I am not going to fight back, just talking la. This time I found myself being devoted to someone and then when I finally made it to that person,(I was late), I was told I wasn’t good enough, I tried to state my contribution, but found out the otherwise, well, that was it, I felt hurt, but I left that particular person, quietly walked away, while being stared at…( If I chose to stay, I would be stared at even more, I am sure. 🙂 ) I guess it is a pre-setup dream scenario, but the final decision is my own, and that is the whole point of the dream… it is like when your supposed best friend suddenly think you are not good enough, what should you do? Isn’t it sound very familiar?
Well, I certainly didn’t do as somebody else had done. And now I will explain why I have done this way and why it is better for me, and better for the world!
First of all, dream is like a small stage play, the premises are set and you act accordingly, you rarely get the chance to question why and so, if you ever do lucky get to do it, because it is in the script…
So, if I am just that unlucky, not so smart, not so popular, and somebody just decides to dump me, well, I certainly feel hurt, but I wouldn’t go on and on and get angry. I never ever get angry when someone choose not to talk to me. You see, I really do have tremendous pride for myself. And my pride has nothing to do with my status, my smartness, my prettiness, and so on…. It is just the pride of my heart! If you don’t like me, so be it, I leave you alone la!
My feeling might get hurt, but if I choose to walk away, which I did, I don’t have to feel I am a burden to someone. I can always improve myself whenever, wherever later, I might never be as good as some other people, but so what?! I am very happy that we all have own specialty. I have my own. What is the big deal?! That is real self esteem, real self confidence!
What matters is that I would feel terrible if I have to beg someone to be my friend. I would feel miserable if I have to have thick skin to remain in that circle where I am not exactly welcome and I have the choice to go. In such difficult occasions, to leave is the easiest choice! The big world outside might be unknown, but you can always start afresh, while remaining in that awkward place, you can never truly being yourself, always second guessing if I am good enough, if somebody is not happy with me?! Oh, no, I would never want that! (I had to live like that for a while but because I had no way out, so like what it said in Gone with the Wind, you live like buckwheat, bid your time, work, smile, play along, once you are strong enough, you fly away. 🙂 so there!)
Maybe that is the reason people walked out of Africa that long long time ago! I don’t know why I keep having such flashback. In someway, I do agree. If you have watched documentaries, you would be amazed how Africans are so comfortable with their centuries old ways of life, they are happy to eat this sorghum/maize paste day in and day out for their life, while in Japan, someone would invent a warm sole just so that you don’t have to walk cold feet for the winter! (Office ladies are not supposed to wear boots, thick socks.) I would rather die than eat that stuff for 3 days.. I don’t even eat rice for two days in a row, I must have rice, ramen noodle, rice noodle, pasta and until then I come back to rice! Even for rice, I have rice, veggie soup with little natural proteins or veggie little meat steamed over rice. And I am doing all of it with just a little nice rice cooker! I make sure my cooking is tasty, nutritious yet as easy and convenient as possible! I only cook once a day, the other time I have very nice inventive salad, compliment with all sorts of snacks…. life should be as fun and as fresh every possible day!
Of course I didn’t have such luxury for very long. When I first arrived in Hong Kong full of dirt and sweat, I didn’t even have shoes, let alone a place and warm meal! It has been a long way but I managed, and there weren’t any big secrets at all! It is just because I want to improve myself, my character, my behavior, every little thing I have, the little space I live in. And all of these improvements, in the end, improved my life! Materially and mentally and spiritually. They are never really separate irrelevant entities… Of course, it is not just my own efforts, but mine certainly affected how others, like Hong Kong people perceive me, and so it happened.
Yes, people get mixed feelings when you somewhat went past beyond them. But everyone can do what I had done and am doing… I don’t doubt Africa has its charm, I believe the wild life in African savanna would thank African people for their fairness! Two-legged creatures had done terrible things to them in other parts of the world in the past!
Well, somebody are talking once again. Human beings are humans because they had dared to leave the wild life habitat million years ago. So we are just at the full circle, one way or another! You know what this implies, anyway, talking this big historical evolutionary events is not exactly my strength. I just pass the message. (Oh, I am doing it, once again, but let me tell you this moment.)
So I will get back to something personal. I was told I need to move out either end of this month or next month, exactly because what had happened in our neighborhood. You see, I am not the one to blame, but I am happy to move out, I would like to have bigger space for my plants and myself to walk around, though finding a proper place is not easy… and I am very much doubt I can have such a good deal I made with my apartment manger, I have very good internet service here…
In anticipation of such a case, I had been furiously collecting my music on the internet, I went to a Russian psychedelic community site for that, and honestly, it was not easy, after 8 days in a row, my head is spinning mad, I am sick, working way too much. And even worse, I got this very big surprise this morning, the relentless flea bites I mentioned is my payment for such music! You see, I can not possibly pay for my psybient music collection! Well, I always believe I can contribute in some other way to help all the musicians. Money isn’t everything!
But I wouldn’t imagine to help in such a way, though when the news was brought to me, I wasn’t exactly crying unfair…. it is not a very nice deal, but I guess I can give some of my blood for the music! But please, that nasty, he is till nasty to me no matter what the logic of this business is, flea and his somewhat partners please give the fair share to the artists!! Don’t keep all the money to yourself! Or you are not going to have another such a deal!
My blood is very precious to some people, didn’t I tell you?! I guess I would use that to pay for my music, just for a short time! Music will make me happy and keep me health in the long run! Just imagine, living in a place, not a lot people around, no TV, no internet, no books, what am I going to do, sitting around?! Even if I had mountains of cookies, I wouldn’t be happy! But now that I have hundred gigs of music, hundred titles of ebooks, I would be very happy sitting around all alone in the wild nature! It is not that I do not like being around people. I would love to live among rainbow gathering folks, and I am very fascinated with slab city, but I would rather be alone than with people I can not communicate! The mental barrier, the experience barrier is extremely difficult to overcome.
I am supposed to be the refugee, but I am a refugee running away from a lifestyle that could match a well-off American citizen, but most other refugees, they are still looking for a taste of life that regular Hong Kong people can afford. We are like from complete opposite spectrum. That is why I wouldn’t ever step a foot in an African slum, but I am more than happy to live in a “deserted” slab city! Slab city is like a quasi-permanent mixup of rainbow gathering and old buring man! I don’t want to sound nose up, but I wouldn’t be interested in living in NYC, not even San Francisco. Well, I can compromise a bit if I really need some saving! Hong Kong and New York city are quite the same! (Good taste but so boring otherwise!)
Maybe that is one of the major reasons I couldn’t get along with refugee people here. I couldn’t bear that dirtiness, careless to the environment, selfish without consideration, and lack of basic manners! I was treated very rudely by quite a lot of them, maybe they think I am one of them and there is no need for such pretension (meaning good manners) reserved only for rich, passported people. Quite a lot of rich, passported people unfortunately share that same idea as well, to be honest. Alas, that is real snobbish! Don’t you agree?! I guess I defied all their expectations somehow!!! (Sign), I walked away from them too much, ignored them too often and they are greatly offended! If only I can dress up like an official princess!! 🙂 Which I wouldn’t, I am not here to serve some silly snobbish people. But strange to say, those same snobbish people always like to swarm around me, for favors, only after that, they throw their little put downs, just in case I might ask for payback. And good folks I like to be around, I don’t think they would come near me when I am surrounded by these hungry selfish souls.
Anyway, that is another report from little psaya! Hopefully this time around I would have a little bit properer place to stay, a little bit kinder, nicer people to live with. Ok, my little mini version of “out of Africa”, let us see la! 🙂